As the mild heat of the sunlight began to warm up my eyelids, I could feel myself gaining my consciousness back..
As if, after an eternity, I could feel my hands again.
I tried to move my fingers, but something stung.. As if needles pierced my skin.
I tried to open my eyes, but they were too heavy.
Where was i?
Suddenly, an unearthly pain rose through my body, almost paralyzing me, knocking me off of consciousness.
I could barely think beyond it,
a sharp pain in my head… as if it was trying to break out.
What’s going on?
I opened my mouth to scream.
It should have been an ear-splitting scream… it should have been.
But nothing came out of my throat.
I tried again.
And again.
But it was all the same… No sound.
I couldn’t hear anything.
Was i deaf?
Couldn’t be… because I could hear the soft beeping of a machine a few inches away from me. Could this be a hospital?
Why don’t I remember anything? Where was I? How did I get here?
I don’t remember lying down but here I was ..
laying on a bed,
perfectly still,
with a stabbing pain in my head,
needles in my hands and with no voice.
Was I kidnapped? What happened to me? Why was I hurting so bad?
I tried to open my eyes again, slowly this time.
It worked.
My vision was blurry, but I tried to look around.
My head felt too heavy to move even a little bit. I could see the white ceiling above, and on my peripheral, I could see it was a white room.
I could see blood bags connected with all sorts of tubes… to my hands.
To my right, was a small table with all kinds of medical equipment, papers, a watch and a small machine..
The beeping machine and yes it was monitoring my heartbeat.
So this was a hospital!
What am I doing here? Why am I here?
I tried to scramble through my memories..
And again, a searing pain ripped through my head.
It was too painful.
Unbearable.
I couldn’t keep going.
I wanted to drift back into whatever it was I woke up from.
But I pushed through. Tried to focus. Tried to lure myself away from the pain.
I began scrutinizing the room, it was difficult, but I had to. There was a couch not too far away from the bed. There were flowers. Bouquets, cards … cards with “get well soon” on them.
Someone must have brought them right? Someone must be around right?
So I wasn't alone. Well of course I wasn't. I’m sure doctors and nurses are around.
I was in a …..
And then within a split second, the whole room shifted… everything changed.
I was no longer in the white hospital room.
It was an open field …by a lake.. I was standing there.. with no pain in my head, no needles in my arms or hands… I felt – FREE – felt as if I could run, run anywhere.
No one could stop me..
I could run through the meadows…
I felt as if I could fly with the birds ..
as if i could sit by the water and sing with the spring ..
as if I could play along with the flowers ..
eat, sleep, drink …
or do whatever i wanted to do.
I was FREE… to do anything I wanted to do. I was so happy …. And then, as suddenly as it was gone, the pain returned.
It was ripping through me again …. As if it wanted to fight me, and it wanted to win.
Fighting with all its strength… and I felt like I was falling, deeper and deeper into its clutches.
It was unbearable.
I was back in the white room.
The hospital bed.
I was back.
The pain was back.
I was no longer in my fantasy world… my dream.
That had to be it right? Reality could never be like that. Reality could not be freedom. Reality … could only be this. The pain. The suffering. Only pain.. Could be the proof of reality. And then …..it happened again. I drifted …
I landed somewhere different this time. It felt like the break of dawn… the smell of fresh water filled my nostrils as the sound of peaceful waves played in my ears. I opened my eyes to see what was around me.
Could it be as lovely as I felt it was?
Yes it was. In fact, it was better.
It was lovelier..
Even beyond that, it was mesmerizing….
The sky … It was captivating to watch the dark red half circle making its way towards the dimly lit portion of the dark sky .. filling .. replacing the darkness with light.
I continued to watch.
Stunned by the scenery unfolding in front of me.
Stood motionless as the water tried to imitate the motion of the sun and embrace the sky … only to multiply the beauty of the scene. I closed my eyes.
Trying to capture the moment.
The peacefulness.
The silence, which, even with the chirping of the birds, felt … silent….
And just like that… as if I knew it was coming …. The pain returned.
It overtook every other emotion …
I tried to avoid it, forget about the pain that by now, had paralyzed every inch of my body again … but then .. again, it was peaceful.
It was silent.
And then again… I was transported…
Why is this happening to me?
This was another place.
It was dark this time.
I could only make out the shape of the trees.
There were… as far as I could see…as much as I could comprehend.. only trees.
I could hear the wind whistling in my ears.
I could feel it playing with my hair.
I could see the stars above me .. twinkling .. as if giggling amongst themselves.
Perhaps they were shy, blushing .. as I stared at them in my tranquil state.
I smiled too.
There was the moon, surrounded by white clouds. Lit up by its own light .. moonlight .. another peaceful , beautifully mesmerizing sign of peace.
Where was peace?
Why was I searching for it?
Will I ever find it?
Is that what I am looking for?
PEACE?
Or was it freedom?
The searing pain once again tried to rip me apart. It was successful this time.
Because I felt broken.. Empty.. I was drifting.. Into nothingness. Emptiness.
In a purgatory between reality and fantasy.
But what was actually real?
Couldn’t the pain be a dream?
Couldn’t the room be a dream?
A nightmare?
What was I calling a fantasy?
Couldn’t one of those serene places be reality?
How was I so sure that the pain was real but the serenity was not?
Why is it so hard to believe that pain is all reality has to offer?
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